Fifty Shades of Awful

Having been roped in to seeing Fifty Shades of Grey last night for a second time (I got bored three pages into the book and was a few gin and tonics down the first time I attempted to see the film and subsequently fell asleep before the lights even went down), I feel I can finally join in on all the hype, so here are my conclusions: (And yes, “roped in” was a pun, it narrowly edged out referring to it as a “bonding experience”)

1: Unlike Harry Potter or Spider-Man, no one turned up to the cinema in fancy dress.

Conclusion #1: People seem far more prudish nowadays.

2: The producers fail dismally at finding a balance between implicit and explicit story telling when trying to convey the sense of sexual chemistry between the two characters.

Conclusion #2: Deep throating a pencil with the guys name on it is not symbolism at its most elegant – Emily Brontë wouldn’t have touched it for Wuthering Heights.

3: If the second time you meet someone is at the shop where you have a Saturday job, and they ask if you stock cable ties, masking tape and rope, you should have watched enough TV to know they’ll either be a serial killer or a sexual dominant. If neither of these things are your bag, you should consider alternative love interests.

Conclusion #3: Anna’s university degree is clearly no substitute for gaining the life skills I have through watching a box set of Dexter.

4: As if the hardware store scene didn’t offer enough of a window to pick up on a hint of sexual deviance, I can’t help but think “I’m not going to touch you… not until I have your written consent” came out quite as gentlemanly as it sounded in Mr Grey’s head.

Conclusion #4: Businessmen are never off the clock.

Image result for fifty shades of grey poster

5: Saying “I don’t do romance” is an unnecessary piece of clarification if the words you’d literally just uttered were, “If you were mine, you wouldn’t be able to sit down for a week”.

Conclusion #5: Christian Grey is heralded by many as a master at love, yet any man I’ve ever heard trying to make similar claims have largely been considered total morons.

6: That playroom is ridiculous. I’ve never seen anything like it. All those toys, yet not a PlayStation in sight?

Conclusion #6: The PlayStation must have been out of shot, he definitely would have had one – with FIFA 15 on pause too I imagine.

7: Any contract that includes the terms “anal fisting”, “vaginal fisting” and “genital clamps” is something you definitely do not want to sign.

Conclusion #7: I need to stop skipping over T&Cs in contracts. For all I know section 15.2 could be standard across all contracts and I’ve made a terrible error of judgment in committing to let Southern Electric be my energy supplier.

8: Now, I don’t want to cast aspersions about the guy, I don’t really know him, but I have a strong suspicion he might not honour the “red” safety word in the contract and as for the “yellow” pre-warning, I’m pretty sure it’s as redundant as the word “spreadable” on tubs of Lurpak.

Conclusion #8: I really should switch allegiance to Flora, I’m fed up of shredded toast.

9: Having observed the guy for what feels like an eternity (my watch assures me it was less than two hours) I have made the following observations about him: he is undeniably handsome, he has an excellent dress sense and a walk-in-wardrobe that’s bigger than my entire flat, he plats Anna’s hair immediately before sex and plays the piano immediately afterwards, he doesn’t like it when his girlfriend touches him.

Conclusion #9: The title should have been “Fifty Shades of Gay”.

10: Finally, despite making bold claims about his sexual prowess and the obvious array of extravagance in his life, when push comes to shove, Christian Grey is essentially just a weird little bloke who dribbles ice cubes over women, dusts them down with a peacock feather and keeps what looks like a Flash Power Mop next to the bed (pretty confusing given the absence of tiled flooring).

Conclusion #10: Fifty Shades of Grey is one of the worst films I have ever seen.

Sophie x