Dick Pics

I wrote a post a while ago about What Women Really Want, and touched on the one thing we universally seem to agree on, and that is, us girls definitely do not want photos of male genitalia popping up on our mobile phones or social media accounts.

Rather inexplicably it seems in recent years that the common greeting of “hi” has become interchangeable with dick pics, and that unsolicited nudes and sexting now seem to go hand in hand (or should I say dick in hand). Boys, please, we beg of you, genitals are not an acceptable conversation starter and instantly show us that you don’t have an ounce of creativity in you, which doesn’t bode well if you hope to get us into the bedroom.

To be clear, I’m definitely not the kind of girl who throws her hand to her mouth in sheer horror at the idea of seeing a penis. I am actually very appreciative of what a nice hunk of manhood can do. I like penises, but not in photographic form and appearing on the phone I’m about to call my grandmother on.

I met a guy in a bar a few weeks ago, we got talking, exchanged numbers and after a bit of a chat on Whatsapp I suddenly found myself being visually assaulted when I was confronted by a photo of his erect penis and a request to send him a photo back. So I did. I went onto Google images, searched for “penis” and Whatapp’d it right over to him. His response, “I didn’t need to see that”. Well my friend, nor did I. Number deleted.

Cactus

I’m not alone in this school of thought. I’ve chatted with friends about it and according to a recent survey conducted by Bristol University, 93.8% of European women are not turned on in the slightest when a nude photo is lobbed their way, and in fact 88% of women were said to find them threatening.

There’s nothing about a man’s nude photos (not just his penis, but anything from the chin down), that’s enticing, these images are not remotely sexual. They are embarrassing – for men and for women. I guess this is where women differ so much from men. Guys are visual creatures so a picture of a vagina or a bit of nipple may well be viewed as free porn, but a photo of a set of abs or willy is certainly not going to have us ladies running off to please ourselves anytime soon. Women just aren’t primarily aroused by visuals, you might as well send us a picture of a pork pie or an Ikea shelving unit.

I know old fashioned romance is dead, but seriously, our grandparents used to write love letters to each other which were longer than most university dissertations, yet now our so called “modern men” are whatsapping photos of their dicks in an attempt to find a partner. It’s degrading for all. The impulse behind men sending these images is hilarious, as is the sheer arrogance of it. Every man on the planet has a penis, why is yours something I want to see least of all whilst I’m engrossed in Netflix? We all know you’ve tried at least 10 different angles before finally settling on this one shot and if you’re sending the photo to us, we know damn well it’s been recycled at least five times already.

Supply and Demand

So, I hear you say, what about the girls that ask for these photos or indeed partake in a bit of tit for tat? Well, unless they fall into the 6% or EU women who claim to like these images, then the girl in question it purely doing it for the mans sake. No question about it. You can also bet a decades salary on it, that if she’s sending an image of anything below the shoulders to one guy, she is definitely sending them to others, despite the fact she will play innocent and claim it’s her first time.

Why? Because this type of girl is lacking in self-esteem. Big time.  A woman who begs to see a mans penis is purely doing it to stroke his ego because her own is so desperately fragile and she believes this is what it takes to make a man like her. Girls don’t do it. Boys, watch out, these are the crazy ones.

This leads me onto booty calls. I wonder sometimes if us humans really are at the top of the animal kingdom when we appear to be the only species lame enough to send a WhatsApp message as a mating call.

Booty calls seem to work both ways and generally start between the hours of 10 pm and 4 am. If you’re messaged after 10.05 pm it’s fair to say you were not top of the list and no matter what you think or what you are told, it’s safe to say the person sending the text is slowly making their way through their phone book to see if someone is about for a late night rendezvous. Do not take it as an indication that they like you – they are drunk and horny. The later the text arrives, the less keen they’re on you.  Nothing says I respect you as a person quite like a “you awake?” text at 2 am. Sure someone may want to kop a quickie with you after six pints of lager or three white wine spritzers but they certainly don’t value you. Get it? Just because someone desires you, does not mean they value you. Read that sentence again and let it sink in. Now get a grip and don’t answer texts past 10 pm unless you really don’t have any respect for yourself.

Next up, is the sext. Again, despite evidence that many girls will partake in this new found sport and tell boys how aroused they are by their dirty messages or memories of an awkward fondle or a quick bonk, the fact is, if sexting was about a woman getting her rocks off, our phones would come with a much stronger vibrate option. The truth is sexting (even if a woman initiates it) is yet another thing we do, which is really all about men. We may find it funny, but certainly not sexy.

We like a little flirt on text yes, and innuendo can be fun, but only to a degree, which sadly most men seem to miss. If you can’t say the same loaded comment to the persons face when stone cold sober, don’t think they want to read it over text.  This isn’t me being a prude, it’s down to having some class. Receiving a Whatsapp to tell me I’m a great kisser or I have blow-job lips won’t get me in the mood at all, it just serves as a gurantee I won’t be bringing my mouth anywhere near your pout or your pecker.  Being told how much we turned a man on doesn’t make us think you are a nice guy or have us reaching for the rabbit, it makes us think you are a player who quite frankly isn’t having much luck on the field and we automatically assume the man is a liar.

Banana

Why do we think men would lie about this stuff? Well, because we lie about it.

When engaged in a sext conversation, prevaricating is all we do. Trust me on that one. According to the text messages us girls send, we are “so hot for you”, “in bed touching myself,” “wearing black lace knickers,” etc etc.  Do men really believe us? That’s cute if they do, delusional, but cute. The reality is of course, we are wearing our work clothes and sat in Pizza Express drinking Pinot Grigio with our girlfriends whilst we co-narrate and laugh hysterically at these messages.

Oh and that’s another thing boys and girls, as a ground rule, when sending explicit text messages or photos of your bits and bobs, you should understand that not only according to Bristol University’s research  but also every female I’ve ever met, there is a 98.9% chance that photo will shown to  at least three other people. So do yourself a favour and keep your privates, private.

Sophie x